Sunday, June 18, 2017

Biological Clock in Sync with Doomsday Clock

In this Picture: Anxiety?

It appears that 15-year old women across the world are now biologically in-sync with the Doomsday clock, as of its new inching toward midnight. 
This is an interesting development, as it indicates that as soon as this generation of women is emotionally and financially mature enough to proliferate our species, the majority of humanity will be obliterated.
 For some, like Jessica Statler of Long-Island, this comes as a relief. “You know, I never really wanted to have children, or live past 30. I guess I’ve always been kind of a free spirit? With the rising wave of feminism I don’t really see why I should be too devastated about not living long enough to feel the biological urge to procreate.”
Some, like Devon Brookshire of Conway, Arkansas are unfettered by the news. “I have really tough skin. It’s often described as scaly. For that reason I feel like I could easily survive a Nuclear Holocaust and in the rubble raise the idyllic family I always imagined having. 2 kids, an equally scaly husband, and a beautiful cottage-home, built upon the ashes of history.”

Man on LSD who just Discovered the Universe is One Eternal Ring of Love and Forgiveness: Mugs and Beats the Shit out of Himself

In this Picture: The Ubiquitous Beauty of Nature?

Area man, Matthew (Matty boy) Nichols, who dropped acid late Wednesday afternoon promptly discovered that pain is an illusion and the universe is in fact one being, filled with never-ending love and acceptance. Shortly after making that realization on his walk home from the EL, Nichols somehow managed to mug and beat the shit out of himself.

As Nichols looked into the eyes of his assailants, of whom he was convinced were just different manifestations of the one true being of the universe, he wondered out-loud why he should be so cruel to himself under the current conditions.

While nursing the multiple welts that had grown underneath his eyes he could only think, "my bruises are love, my bleeding is love, the hooded man who stabbed me multiple times uncaring as to whether I lived or died is love."

Nichols was disappointed as to what a bummer this experience with himself turned out to be, but looks forward to spending the next 12 hours awake in bed, in pain, and staring at bright geometrical lights manifesting in multiple parts of his 3X5 bedroom that he pays 600 dollars a month for, truly everything is love.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

5 Lipsticks that Make it less Obvious You've Been Crying

In this photo: The blood of innocents

1. Kat Von D's Everlasting Lipstick

No one notices when Kat's been boo-hooing for hours over a Yoplait. Be like her!

2. TARTE Creamy Matte Lip Paint

Tart like the taste of your tears and creamy like that Yoplait you're still crying over! 

3. STILA Stay all Day Liquid Lipstick

This beautiful and classy shade stays all day just like your debilitating depression!

4. SMASHBOX Be legendary Lipstick

The legendary lipstick will far out-shine and distract from your gushing eyeballs

5. BITE BEAUTY: Matte Creme Lip Crayon

Nothing says I'm beautiful and I am not crying as I talk to you right now like this subtle color! 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

4 plants that look sadder than you

A Succulent
A succulent looks sadder than you because its heavy leaves droop more than your heavy heart

A weeping willow 

You may be weeping but you're much fatter than a willow that's one reason the weeping willow is sadder than you 

A cactus
Unless you live in Arizona a cactus is sadder than you. If you do live in Arizona, I'm sorry

This dying plant
See?! You could look this sad but you don't. You just look really really close to it. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

How to accept that every woman named Amber is prettier than you

In this photo: Every woman named Amber

There comes a point in every woman's life wherein they must accept the reality of their situation and admit that every woman named Amber they'll ever meet is prettier than them.

When you hit this point take a deep breath and center yourself. Remember that your body doesn't define you so it's okay that unlike Amber you have an imperfect one.

Amber's beautifully sculpted legs are long and lean. Yours are considerably shorter and stumpier. All that means is that your parents weren't concerned with whether or not you were going to be beautiful when you grew up. That's why they named you something that wasn't Amber. They thought that you were more than your looks.

Sure if you had been named Amber your life would be different. You would have blonde hair probably. You would have maybe even half-heartedly won a beauty pageant. Instead you half-heartedly won a mathletes competition your junior year of high school. Mathletes is nothing to scoff at. They were a tough group to get in with. Maybe you didn't experiment with sex until college but at least you didn't burn out either.

Because Amber can go either way. She may be prettier than you but in her early 30's she could be a heavy smoker with a couple abortions under her belt. That being said in her prime Amber will always have been better than you were, physically and emotionally. That's because she does a lot of yoga.

Don't worry. Just because you aren't named Amber doesn't mean you can't be pretty. You are pretty. You're just college pretty. And Amber is all ages pretty. That's nothing to get down on yourself about.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Dopamine increases when you cry into your purple loofah

                                    In this photo: The day Alicia's loofah posed for getty images. A great day

Groundbreaking research from the University of Michigan confirms that dopamine increases when you cry into your purple loofah Alicia. This is truly astonishing news in terms of understanding how Alicia's brain works.

The study went on to find that the crustiness of the loofah had no effect on whether or not dopamine increased while Alicia cried. No matter how crusty and overused and soppy and soggy the loofah Alicia's dopamine levels still went up when she cried into it. Hopefully this understanding of Alicia's brain will break new ground in the field of neuro-science and the field of Alicia's shower habits.

3 cute cat pictures that will make you believe in God again

This playful tabby
Come on. There can't be a never-ending void of nothingness if this tabby can be so playful

This siamese

Surely something set evolution into motion to make this be possible. The cat is so beautiful. Quit crying. 

This praying cat
The cat itself is praying. So surely that means something. Surely something means something. The cats are so pretty. Don't worry. Just look at more cat pictures.