Tuesday, August 9, 2016

5 Lipsticks that Make it less Obvious You've Been Crying

In this photo: The blood of innocents

1. Kat Von D's Everlasting Lipstick

No one notices when Kat's been boo-hooing for hours over a Yoplait. Be like her!

2. TARTE Creamy Matte Lip Paint

Tart like the taste of your tears and creamy like that Yoplait you're still crying over! 

3. STILA Stay all Day Liquid Lipstick

This beautiful and classy shade stays all day just like your debilitating depression!

4. SMASHBOX Be legendary Lipstick

The legendary lipstick will far out-shine and distract from your gushing eyeballs

5. BITE BEAUTY: Matte Creme Lip Crayon

Nothing says I'm beautiful and I am not crying as I talk to you right now like this subtle color! 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

4 plants that look sadder than you

A Succulent
A succulent looks sadder than you because its heavy leaves droop more than your heavy heart

A weeping willow 

You may be weeping but you're much fatter than a willow that's one reason the weeping willow is sadder than you 

A cactus
Unless you live in Arizona a cactus is sadder than you. If you do live in Arizona, I'm sorry

This dying plant
See?! You could look this sad but you don't. You just look really really close to it. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

How to accept that every woman named Amber is prettier than you

In this photo: Every woman named Amber

There comes a point in every woman's life wherein they must accept the reality of their situation and admit that every woman named Amber they'll ever meet is prettier than them.

When you hit this point take a deep breath and center yourself. Remember that your body doesn't define you so it's okay that unlike Amber you have an imperfect one.

Amber's beautifully sculpted legs are long and lean. Yours are considerably shorter and stumpier. All that means is that your parents weren't concerned with whether or not you were going to be beautiful when you grew up. That's why they named you something that wasn't Amber. They thought that you were more than your looks.

Sure if you had been named Amber your life would be different. You would have blonde hair probably. You would have maybe even half-heartedly won a beauty pageant. Instead you half-heartedly won a mathletes competition your junior year of high school. Mathletes is nothing to scoff at. They were a tough group to get in with. Maybe you didn't experiment with sex until college but at least you didn't burn out either.

Because Amber can go either way. She may be prettier than you but in her early 30's she could be a heavy smoker with a couple abortions under her belt. That being said in her prime Amber will always have been better than you were, physically and emotionally. That's because she does a lot of yoga.

Don't worry. Just because you aren't named Amber doesn't mean you can't be pretty. You are pretty. You're just college pretty. And Amber is all ages pretty. That's nothing to get down on yourself about.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Dopamine increases when you cry into your purple loofah

                                    In this photo: The day Alicia's loofah posed for getty images. A great day

Groundbreaking research from the University of Michigan confirms that dopamine increases when you cry into your purple loofah Alicia. This is truly astonishing news in terms of understanding how Alicia's brain works.

The study went on to find that the crustiness of the loofah had no effect on whether or not dopamine increased while Alicia cried. No matter how crusty and overused and soppy and soggy the loofah Alicia's dopamine levels still went up when she cried into it. Hopefully this understanding of Alicia's brain will break new ground in the field of neuro-science and the field of Alicia's shower habits.

3 cute cat pictures that will make you believe in God again

This playful tabby
Come on. There can't be a never-ending void of nothingness if this tabby can be so playful

This siamese

Surely something set evolution into motion to make this be possible. The cat is so beautiful. Quit crying. 

This praying cat
The cat itself is praying. So surely that means something. Surely something means something. The cats are so pretty. Don't worry. Just look at more cat pictures. 

At least you aren't crazier than Cindy from accounting

In this photo: The prettiest silver lining you've ever seen

You may have screamed at your boyfriend for 45 minutes about some girl you think he was hitting on (he was probably hitting on) but at least you aren't as crazy as Cindy from accounting. She stabbed someone once.

Sure you have a myriad of problems that keep you from functioning like a normal human being. Yeah maybe you've used the term 'fur baby' before like a weirdo. But at times like these remember you have never and you will never stab someone. That's crazy Cindy's territory. And even crazy stabby Cindy manages to keep her job in accounting somehow.

No matter how much your boyfriend complains he could be doing much worse. You aren't stabbing him anytime soon. All you do is cry at him. Crying at someone isn't a crime. Not even a misdemeanor. You're fine. Cry at him all you want. Cry at everyone all night long. No one can arrest you for that. Every cloud has a silver lining and this cloud's silver lining is that your apartment is not and will never be covered in the blood of someone you have stabbed. And you should be proud of that fact. Be proud that you aren't Cindy from accounting. Hold your head high.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Have your therapist kill your mom

In this photo: The murderer herself

The only conclusion you're going to find while working through your myriad of issues is that they all come from your mom. Once you come to this conclusion the next step is simple. Have your therapist kill your mom.

Self-actualization comes in little steps. The first little step is hating your mother with every fiber of your being. Why do you hate her? You don't really know. When she calls you hate her and when she doesn't call you hate her. She probably neglected something important when you were younger. Or else she spent too much time pampering you. Either way you're a fucked up human being and you know it's all probably her fault.

When you first bring up the idea your therapist may be reluctant to try out killing your mom. That's normal. Not every therapist is willing to do this kind of work. You may have to look into getting a family therapist before you find the one that will really kill your mom for you. But once you find the therapist that's willing you just have to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your therapists labor while you no longer have a mom that is the source of all of your problems probably.