Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Study from MIT finds Cheetos, White Wine, Hydrogen Peroxide and Whisky not a bad mix

While studying Fraternity brothers at MIT, graduate students from MIT decided to see how far the limits of the physical human form could be taken. 

in this photo: research subjects

Using key word phrases like, "I dare you" "Don't be a little bitch" and "You act like a pussy"

the MIT students managed to force feed the Fraternity brothers a variety of interesting chemical compounds and food combinations, the most fascinating combo being forced upon Chett Raker originally of Anaheim. 

Chett consumed: 

1 pound of Cheetos

2 Bottles of White Wine

A bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide 

20.8 fluid ounces of Whisky

Mr. Raker then proceeded to write a series of soliloquies shocking frat brothers and researchers alike, before passing out in an inflatable kiddie pool. 

Truly the good folks at MIT are fighting the good fight and doing the kind of research this country needs. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

3 Effective Ways to Lose Weight for the Summer!!!!! BY GUEST AUTHOR DOCTOR OZ

This is an article for women because it is about losing weight. If you are a woman and you do not want to lose weight I do not believe you. Because all women no matter their size, race, creed, or color want to lose weight. This is what unifies us. This is the basic tenant of our being. That the fat which protects us from the cold cockles of winter is an inherent badness which must be expunged from our bodies like the bastion of sin that it represents. YAYYYYY! I AM THE DOCTOR OZ

trust me

Here are 5 Effective Ways to finally matter in society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) Drink Apple Cider Vinegar and Destroy the Lining of Your Stomach

What a Truly Ugly Woman. Nothing about this is Beautiful.

The best way to have a flat stomach that looks really good, but is disintegrating beneath the surface, is to drink vinegar. Ulcers do not matter when you are pretty enough to forget that you are sad!

2) Go on an Expensive Juice Cleanse and Deprive your Body of Basic Nutrients

Wow I would never want to desperately hold and love this person.

When you are The Sexy One that everyone is talking about you will be happy that you have given yourself osteoporosis by depriving your body of calcium and protein for weeks at a time. Nothing is healthier than only eating fruit because the fruit is healthy right? Right. I am the Doctor Oz that loves Sexy One's. Trust me.

3) Drink Black Coffee Constantly and Erode the Enamel of your Teeth

Never in my life would I abandon a small family I had acquired to fall into the arms of this cigar woman

Nothing says sexy like black coffee, a cigarette, and no teeth. Trust me I am Doctor Oz. I know the secrets to women and their hearts and I know the secrets to that desolate flatness you so desire. I am the Doctor Oz. 

look the doctor oz, he is normal, trust me

Thursday, September 21, 2017

On the topic of the Rapture

You're never ready for the rapture

When the rapture happens get popcorn

During the rapture take time to exercise, run, jump, play, those kind of endurance / brute strength type thing

At the end of the rapture get a rapture cake

During the rapture get a rapture cake

Believe in yourself and say, it's just a rapture, it's just a rapture, it's just a rapture, it's just the rapture

Hold your head high! If that comes easy for you bow your head


The weather up there is great

Don't be worried about this particular writer's sanity

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Biological Clock in Sync with Doomsday Clock

In this Picture: Anxiety?

It appears that 15-year old women across the world are now biologically in-sync with the Doomsday clock, as of its new inching toward midnight. 
This is an interesting development, as it indicates that as soon as this generation of women is emotionally and financially mature enough to proliferate our species, the majority of humanity will be obliterated.
 For some, like Jessica Statler of Long-Island, this comes as a relief. “You know, I never really wanted to have children, or live past 30. I guess I’ve always been kind of a free spirit? With the rising wave of feminism I don’t really see why I should be too devastated about not living long enough to feel the biological urge to procreate.”
Some, like Devon Brookshire of Conway, Arkansas are unfettered by the news. “I have really tough skin. It’s often described as scaly. For that reason I feel like I could easily survive a Nuclear Holocaust and in the rubble raise the idyllic family I always imagined having. 2 kids, an equally scaly husband, and a beautiful cottage-home, built upon the ashes of history.”

Man on LSD who just Discovered the Universe is One Eternal Ring of Love and Forgiveness: Mugs and Beats the Shit out of Himself

In this Picture: The Ubiquitous Beauty of Nature?

Area man, Matthew (Matty boy) Nichols, who dropped acid late Wednesday afternoon promptly discovered that pain is an illusion and the universe is in fact one being, filled with never-ending love and acceptance. Shortly after making that realization on his walk home from the EL, Nichols somehow managed to mug and beat the shit out of himself.

As Nichols looked into the eyes of his assailants, of whom he was convinced were just different manifestations of the one true being of the universe, he wondered out-loud why he should be so cruel to himself under the current conditions.

While nursing the multiple welts that had grown underneath his eyes he could only think, "my bruises are love, my bleeding is love, the hooded man who stabbed me multiple times uncaring as to whether I lived or died is love."

Nichols was disappointed as to what a bummer this experience with himself turned out to be, but looks forward to spending the next 12 hours awake in bed, in pain, and staring at bright geometrical lights manifesting in multiple parts of his 3X5 bedroom that he pays 600 dollars a month for, truly everything is love.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

5 Lipsticks that Make it less Obvious You've Been Crying

In this photo: The blood of innocents

1. Kat Von D's Everlasting Lipstick

No one notices when Kat's been boo-hooing for hours over a Yoplait. Be like her!

2. TARTE Creamy Matte Lip Paint

Tart like the taste of your tears and creamy like that Yoplait you're still crying over! 

3. STILA Stay all Day Liquid Lipstick

This beautiful and classy shade stays all day just like your debilitating depression!

4. SMASHBOX Be legendary Lipstick

The legendary lipstick will far out-shine and distract from your gushing eyeballs

5. BITE BEAUTY: Matte Creme Lip Crayon

Nothing says I'm beautiful and I am not crying as I talk to you right now like this subtle color! 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

4 plants that look sadder than you

A Succulent
A succulent looks sadder than you because its heavy leaves droop more than your heavy heart

A weeping willow 

You may be weeping but you're much fatter than a willow that's one reason the weeping willow is sadder than you 

A cactus
Unless you live in Arizona a cactus is sadder than you. If you do live in Arizona, I'm sorry

This dying plant
See?! You could look this sad but you don't. You just look really really close to it.