Study from MIT finds Cheetos, White Wine, Hydrogen Peroxide and Whisky not a bad mix

While studying Fraternity brothers at MIT, graduate students from MIT decided to see how far the limits of the physical human form could be taken. 

in this photo: research subjects

Using key word phrases like, "I dare you" "Don't be a little bitch" and "You act like a pussy"

the MIT students managed to force feed the Fraternity brothers a variety of interesting chemical compounds and food combinations, the most fascinating combo being forced upon Chett Raker originally of Anaheim. 

Chett consumed: 

1 pound of Cheetos

2 Bottles of White Wine

A bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide 

20.8 fluid ounces of Whisky

Mr. Raker then proceeded to write a series of soliloquies shocking frat brothers and researchers alike, before passing out in an inflatable kiddie pool. 

Truly the good folks at MIT are fighting the good fight and doing the kind of research this country needs. 

3 Effective Ways to Lose Weight for the Summer!!!!! BY GUEST AUTHOR DOCTOR OZ

This is an article for women because it is about losing weight. If you are a woman and you do not want to lose weight I do not believe you. Because all women no matter their size, race, creed, or color want to lose weight. This is what unifies us. This is the basic tenant of our being. That the fat which protects us from the cold cockles of winter is an inherent badness which must be expunged from our bodies like the bastion of sin that it represents. YAYYYYY! I AM THE DOCTOR OZ

trust me

Here are 5 Effective Ways to finally matter in society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1) Drink Apple Cider Vinegar and Destroy the Lining of Your Stomach

What a Truly Ugly Woman. Nothing about this is Beautiful.

The best way to have a flat stomach that looks really good, but is disintegrating beneath the surface, is to drink vinegar. Ulcers do not matter when you are pretty enough to forget that you are sad!

2) Go on an Expensive Juice Cleanse and Deprive your Body of Basic Nutrients

Wow I would never want to desperately hold and love this person.

When you are The Sexy One that everyone is talking about you will be happy that you have given yourself osteoporosis by depriving your body of calcium and protein for weeks at a time. Nothing is healthier than only eating fruit because the fruit is healthy right? Right. I am the Doctor Oz that loves Sexy One's. Trust me.

3) Drink Black Coffee Constantly and Erode the Enamel of your Teeth

Never in my life would I abandon a small family I had acquired to fall into the arms of this cigar woman

Nothing says sexy like black coffee, a cigarette, and no teeth. Trust me I am Doctor Oz. I know the secrets to women and their hearts and I know the secrets to that desolate flatness you so desire. I am the Doctor Oz. 

look the doctor oz, he is normal, trust me

Biological Clock in Sync with Doomsday Clock

In this Picture: Anxiety?

It appears that 15-year old women across the world are now biologically in-sync with the Doomsday clock, as of its new inching toward midnight. 

This is an interesting development, as it indicates that as soon as this generation of women is emotionally and financially mature enough to proliferate our species, the majority of humanity will be obliterated.

 For some, like Jessica Statler of Long-Island, this comes as a relief. “You know, I never really wanted to have children, or live past 30. I guess I’ve always been kind of a free spirit? With the rising wave of feminism I don’t really see why I should be too devastated about not living long enough to feel the biological urge to procreate.”

Some, like Devon Brookshire of Conway, Arkansas are unfettered by the news. “I have really tough skin. It’s often described as scaly. For that reason I feel like I could easily survive a Nuclear Holocaust and in the rubble raise the idyllic family I always imagined having. 2 kids, an equally scaly husband, and a beautiful cottage-home, built upon the ashes of history.”

Man on LSD who just Discovered the Universe is One Eternal Ring of Love and Forgiveness: Mugs and Beats the Shit out of Himself

In this Picture: The Ubiquitous Beauty of Nature?

Area man, Matthew (Matty boy) Nichols, who dropped acid late Wednesday afternoon promptly discovered that pain is an illusion and the universe is in fact one being, filled with never-ending love and acceptance. Shortly after making that realization on his walk home from the EL, Nichols somehow managed to mug and beat the shit out of himself.

As Nichols looked into the eyes of his assailants, of whom he was convinced were just different manifestations of the one true being of the universe, he wondered out-loud why he should be so cruel to himself under the current conditions.

While nursing the multiple welts that had grown underneath his eyes he could only think, "my bruises are love, my bleeding is love, the hooded man who stabbed me multiple times uncaring as to whether I lived or died is love."

Nichols was disappointed as to what a bummer this experience with himself turned out to be, but looks forward to spending the next 12 hours awake in bed, in pain, and staring at bright geometrical lights manifesting in multiple parts of his 3X5 bedroom that he pays 600 dollars a month for, truly everything is love.

3 cute cat pictures that will make you believe in God again

This playful tabby

Come on. There can't be a never-ending void of nothingness if this tabby can be so playful

This siamese

Surely something set evolution into motion to make this be possible. The cat is so beautiful. Quit crying. 

This praying cat

The cat itself is praying. So surely that means something. Surely something means something. The cats are so pretty. Don't worry. Just look at more cat pictures. 

5 little things to make your day better

 A piece of lint

It's so little don't you feel good?!?!?!

This flea

It's little and scary! Eek! Little things truly make the day better

A hair follicle

Complete with sebaceous gland! This little thing is sure to make your day 

A water molecule

It's so wittle and so cute and so wittle

A Helium Molecule

This list just proves it. The little things are what matters

Are you a productive and determined person, or just Manic-Depressive?

In this photo: The stock photo cake we all deserve

As you fill your every waking hour with commitment after commitment you may start to feel you finally got a handle on this whole life thing. When that happens step back and analyze whether or not your brain is emitting a series of chemicals in an abnormal way and that is the only reason why you are feeling so unfettered by the pain of human existence. Now start working on this cake! It is three in the morning and somebody needs to be making this cake. Might as well be you. Hey why don't you also start to write that screenplay you've been thinking about making all these years! Try not to get too much flour on the keyboard as you do both at the same time and also smoke a cigarette. You're a real go-getter. "Go-getter done" as you always like to say.

Anyway maybe take a moment and think about whether or not you have slept in the last few weeks. If the answer to that question is no make sure you drink more coffee! Completely stop listening to your body and allow your mania to blissfully pull you away from the problems of the universe. Most importantly don't forget about that cake! It is four in the morning and you have friends that would be so excited if you gave them a cake. Make sure you make it extra spongey and moist. Don't forget the flour! And also eggs. Most cakes have flour and eggs. No reason to look up a recipe you are a regular chef and could probably make this cake from memory because you are so good at everything you do.

As you forget about the pain of human existence and munch munch on this cake cake. Don't forget that research from the University of Michigan shows that you are probably manic-depressive. Yes, specifically you Alicia. Quit working on that cake and go to bed Alicia. And that is everything that the University of Michigan reported!