Are you a productive and determined person, or just Manic-Depressive?

In this photo: The stock photo cake we all deserve

As you fill your every waking hour with commitment after commitment you may start to feel you finally got a handle on this whole life thing. When that happens step back and analyze whether or not your brain is emitting a series of chemicals in an abnormal way and that is the only reason why you are feeling so unfettered by the pain of human existence. Now start working on this cake! It is three in the morning and somebody needs to be making this cake. Might as well be you. Hey why don't you also start to write that screenplay you've been thinking about making all these years! Try not to get too much flour on the keyboard as you do both at the same time and also smoke a cigarette. You're a real go-getter. "Go-getter done" as you always like to say.

Anyway maybe take a moment and think about whether or not you have slept in the last few weeks. If the answer to that question is no make sure you drink more coffee! Completely stop listening to your body and allow your mania to blissfully pull you away from the problems of the universe. Most importantly don't forget about that cake! It is four in the morning and you have friends that would be so excited if you gave them a cake. Make sure you make it extra spongey and moist. Don't forget the flour! And also eggs. Most cakes have flour and eggs. No reason to look up a recipe you are a regular chef and could probably make this cake from memory because you are so good at everything you do.

As you forget about the pain of human existence and munch munch on this cake cake. Don't forget that research from the University of Michigan shows that you are probably manic-depressive. Yes, specifically you Alicia. Quit working on that cake and go to bed Alicia. And that is everything that the University of Michigan reported!
 

3 Reasons Brunch is a better option than laying in bed alone on a Sunday morning

Because Mimosa's are yummy!!!! hahahahahahahaahahaha

Please God get out of bed there is no reason to be doing this to yourself 

Ummm, just look at these eggs. You need these eggs

. 

Remove the covers from over your eyes and at least get dressed.

Brunch is where all of the happy things happen because Brunch is where all of the bloody mary's go to hang out with each other and get you drunk you happy little slut you

The longer you stay in bed the sadder this whole thing seems people keep texting and calling you that were expecting to see you at brunch why are you staring at the ceiling with your hand over your eyes your curtains are drawn it's already dark this is horrifically depressing goddmanit

Here are some words I learned

In this photo: education?!

Let us consider what place intersectional identity has in terms of making a larger statement in analyzing our own position of white cisgender privilege in a racially divisive society that also happens to be white-enabling. One second I have to put on a jazz record and pour some whisky before I continue talking about the real world problems. Okay I am back now. I am back to make a critical judgement and analysis of our own perpetuation of oppressive systems that attempt to marginalize those who don't happen to fit into the already pre-defined social structures that keep us all stuck in a box. A box that doesn't include queerness by the way. On that note let me get my huge fucking cigar out so I can puff puff while I think think.


Wait I need to stop for a second and just say something outright. The world is fucking horrible and horrible things are happening daily and I don't know how to deal with and these words are protecting me from feeling anything real and I need them I need these words. What I'm trying to say is racism sucks. Homophobia and transphobia suck. That's what I'm trying to say. I am afraid we are all afraid. Violence permeates so much of our daily existence. What is happening?! That's what I'm trying to say.


Anyway as we consider what place intersectional identity has in terms of making a larger statement in analyzing our own position of white cisgender privilege let us not forget what that means for trans-identity and let us also not forget to buy more Miles Davis on vinyl.

This Article is about my Ex-Boyfriend but I will Pretend it's About Sexism

I, like all women, deal with the harmful realities of sexism everyday. We have to fight against the men (Justin Banks) that would harm us. We also have to stand up against the women (that skinny bitch Sherona he is fucking) who are so competitive instead of collaborative in our fight for equality.

One day we will all stand up and be equals. There will no longer be a pay gap and Sherona will no longer have a thigh gap because her metabolism will slow as she gets older and her skin will get saggy and she'll have more wrinkles than me probably too Justin. I am not upset. I am not upset. I am not upset. I'm just thinking a lot about sexism. 

 Life is about making choices. I am pro-choice. But not when it comes to dumping me you had no good reason to dump me you are just afraid of love and commitment like a little child and Sherona is a little child as well so I'm sure you guys are a perfect fit for each other. 

Anyway sexism is a serious issue that has been engrained in our culture for thousands of years. I think it would be best if we all took a step back in our lives and analyzed how it has affected us individually. Like me right now. I hate myself because I cannot be with you and I am not Sherona who has pretty hair and knows how to twirl it. 

Anyway sexism is a serious issue that has been engrained in our culture for thousands of years. 

Breaking News: Kanye West Has Been Alive Forever

According to Kanye West, Kanye West has been alive forever.

The news came bright and early via social media last night, and the world is in shock. As doctors and archaeologists across the globe attempt to figure out just how this is possible, Kanye West had this to say

"Kanye HAS NEVER NOT BEEN ALIVE. Kanye West HAS NEVER NOT BEEN ALIVE. NEVER NOT"

While requesting that he meet with top officials, and business leaders across the world, in order to spread his messianic message, Kanye made the bold claim that he has the power to make books cheaper.

Commenting on the possible mental health crisis her husband is in, Kim Kardashian had this to say,

"Please put me in the article you write about Kanye"

We Asked Presidential Candidates what 6+4 is....Their Answers Will Shock You

We got together a slew of Presidential candidates and asked what 6+4 is, just to see if they really know their stuff.  Let's see what they had to say!

Hillary Clinton: "America and our allies, especially Israel, will be safer if we vigorously enforce the nuclear agreement with Iran and implement a broader strategy to confront Iran’s bad behavior in the region."

Wow!  We never thought about basic math that way before. 

Jeb Bush: "The cornerstone of any effective military, counterterrorism or homeland security effort is ensuring accurate and actionable intelligence."

 

Well, we better ADD that to our agenda!

Bernie Sanders: Scientists warn us if we continue burning fossil fuels, we will experience cataclysmic change, in terms of more disease, more hunger, more drought, more famine, rising sea levels, more floods, more ocean acidification, more extreme weather disturbances and more human suffering. 

YES! Finally someone answers the question what is 6+4 in a way that makes sense. 

Ben Carson: "Keeping Gitmo open is a critical element in our never-ending efforts to keep the American people safe from another cataclysmic terrorist attack."

That's a pretty radical answer to what is 6+4

Bernie Sanders from the Past: 10. I hope I don't ever run for President. 

Just goes to show how policies evolve over time huh?

Donald Trump: Wow, it's 13. Anything else you idiots need me to answer? 

Fuck you 

Guns Rights Activist Loses Foot in Hunting Accident

Darryl Walker is pictured above. "This is from when I posed for stock photos. That was a great Tuesday." - Darryl Walker



On the 15th of December, 55 year old Darryl Walker was out hunting with some old college buddies when tragedy struck.

Darryl, who friends describe as 'legally blind', mistook his own foot for a Quail while hunting and shot himself in the foot.

Darryl, a long time Guns Rights activist, claims that "absolutely nothing could have prevented this accident." When asked whether the ban of firearms within the United States would have possibly saved Darryl his foot he responded with, "while the firearm that took my foot off had a bullet flying out of its barrel at the speed of 2,500 feet per second, allowing it to have the optimal velocity to perfectly bare through every single tendon at the base of my ankle and leaving me without the ability to walk normally ever again, there is no reason a well-thrown knife could not have done the same damage."

Long-time friend David Wallace of Colorado commented that, "we are all very sad for the loss of Darryl's foot, but this is no time for political talk. This is a time for us to grieve, and we (his friends and family) would prefer that no one discuss any sort of preventive measures to protect people in the future because that's irrelevant."

Darryl went on to claim that several people lose their feet in England every year, despite the fact that guns are illegal in that pansy-ass nation of biscuit-dunkers.

Darryl's most inspiring words came as he spoke about his deep passion for the American people.

"The rights and freedoms of the American public far outweigh the importance of one mans foot. Or the lives of 30,000 Americans every year."