Tuesday, June 21, 2016

America Under Attack Again



in this photo: What America Stands For

It is important to remember during this time of healing that the exact same thing will be happening next week. Don't be afraid. We are just a country full of violent maniacs and guns. Nothing to be afraid of. Are you going to Jennifer's cocktail party next month? Make sure you bring your motherfucking AK-47 just in case. You know the AK-47 you bought to hunt with?! That one. Jennifer would appreciate your gumption. Just in case someone else decides to bring assault weapons make sure you bring one that's unique in style! Lots of sparkles or maybe even bedazzle yours!!!! You're sure to make a splash. Remember you keep your AK-47 around to hunt the world's most dangerous game, peaceful people who are expressing their love for each other openly. You know, the world's most dangerous game.


No reason to be alarmed here. Let's just change our profile pictures for a second and then go about our very important gosh darned business mmmkay? Just because we're in danger of being shot up by a mass murderer at any second doesn't mean that your little Elsa doesn't have her fifth birthday party coming up or that these cat videos need less time being shared. So please. Please. Please. Let's go about our business. Our business that doesn't include trying to prevent this in anyway. It's very important that Jennifer's cocktail party goes well, so make sure you buy a nice little black dress to match one of the 26 assault rifles you have to choose from your closet before you arrive. Constitutional rights are very important to express. Like the right to freedom of speech. Let's remember that this isn't a time for political waffling (whatever the fuck that means) this is a time to grieve and do nothing to prevent any further damage. Whatever you do make sure your spread more hate on the internet! If there's one thing the internet and especially the world needs it is more hate and cynicism. Tell me that you hate this stupid fucking article. In those exact words. Tell me that you hate everyone. Please. Please. Please. Spread the hate.

Let's keep in mind in these trying times that America will never not be under attack. Under attack not by ISIS but by its own citizens! Yay! What a fun time and fun kind of country that we live in. Jennifer is so excited about her motherfuckin' cocktail party that she bought an AK-47 to match your AK-47!!!! It's gonna be the best cocktail party in the world. The whole world. You know the rest of the world where things like this don't happen constantly? Let's ignore them and their methods and just keep doing things the way we've been doing them forever. Like an addict. The United States of America is like a sad addict. Don't we all feel proud to be an American!? Where at least we know we're free? Free to die at any second by the hands of a hate enfused monster? Enfused like our delicious teas. But instead of with tea he is enfused with hate. Speaking of, do you wanna get coffee sometime? Let's get coffee and pray together that the shop we go to doesn't get shot up. Don't forget to bring your bedazzled AK-47!!!!!!!!

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