Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Area Couple Admits Equal Blame for Worst Date They've Ever Had


"The couple in the above photo are both more attractive and happier than us, in a way that I find to be taunting." - Marie Steward


After an objectively horrible date on Thursday evening, Marie Steward and Jonathan Richards, both admitted that they were equally culpable for the events that led up to their pathetic excuse of a night out together.

Johnathan claims that the date went so horribly that he didn't even taste his $24 plate of eggplant parmesan, but rather, "angrily crammed food down my mouth so quickly that I could not even tell the  temperature of what I was eating."

Both parties are baffled as to what the fight was about, or when it started. Marie believes that the tipping point may have been Jonathan making a poorly thought out compliment about Marie, "looking better than usual". While Jonathan thinks that getting into the exact starting point of the conversation is overly pedantic and unnecessary.

The only thing that seems certain is both Marie and Jonathan had several opportunities to turn their date around they inexplicably refused to take.

Marie expressed specific regret over, when after an unprecedented three minutes of peaceful silence, she made a passive aggressive comment about Jonathan's close female friend. She stated that, "I could actually physically feel instant regret in the pit of my stomach as I made the comment, but mixed with a burning sensation that may have been the result of a sadistic pleasure."

Jonathan claimed that he unnecessarily refused Marie's numerous apologies over the course of the evening due to irrelevant issues in her wording. "I completely understood that she was truly remorseful, but wanted to relish in the experience of having her apologize to me. I felt slightly guilty as I continually told her to change one word or another in her apology until it sounded 'genuine' but the guilt was mixed with a  burning sensation in my stomach that may have been the result of a sadistic pleasure."

Jonathan and Marie were equally angered that they continued to bring up an argument they had over three months ago, sporadically over the course of the meal.

The date ended with what was inarguably the best sex the couple has ever had.


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